If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
