So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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