I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
