my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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