The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize