We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
