put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
