i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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