i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
