zippers are such a cool invention
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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