The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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