If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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