Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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