Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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