At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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