Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
