im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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