So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
