Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize