It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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