no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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