She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
