his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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