I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
