My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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