Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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