I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
