I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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