i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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