the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
