I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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