I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
The power of my boobs compel you
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
