He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
