i need an iv and a liver transplant
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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