So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Randomize
