if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
PANTIES FOUND
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