Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Randomize