You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
