Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
