Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
this boner is exhausting
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
