Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
