We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
