Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He better not be in your backpack
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
