i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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