it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
