i was born a porn star she said
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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