My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
