you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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