I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
