i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
