the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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