Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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