My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My vagina just clenched in fear
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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