after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
