just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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