Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
