I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
