Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
