Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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