Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
